SIOUX FALLS – A team of anthropologists working around the clock have discovered a man who opposes any form of gun control, yet also seems to be well-endowed. They are reviewing their findings, but so far are standing by the stunning announcement.
“This… is impossible,” said Colbern Pulhokie, a graduate researcher and member of the team that made the discovery. “The biggest discovery since white Doug Jones voters.”
The team of anthropologists from the University of Minnesota made the groundbreaking discovery in a small town outside Sioux Falls, South Dakota. The subject, who calls himself Darryl Ninkovicz but has been named “Bob” by the researchers, appeared on their radar when he made a Twitter post assailing different ideas of gun control legislation.
“Buyback programs are just a masquerade for government-run gun-owner registries,” read a post from Bob’s Twitter handle. “Europe’s reduction in violence in the past 20 years actually mirrors that of the United States, actually gun restrictions increased crime in the UK per this chart here” read another.
After another ten or twelve posts highlighted Bob’s typical penis-envy-level of support for gun ownership, the team took action.
“Penis-envy is the highest level of gun-control opposition, just above ‘fluoride-in-the-water,’” said Dr. Parker Sandelae, the head scientist with the team. “This man was pulling factoids out of some kind of hidden arsenal. He had a canned misleading anecdotal counter-argument for every vague concept of policy related to guns, and corresponding blame-shifters to Democrats or Europeans for each one.”
The researchers then lured Bob into a trap by offering a free gun with a $3.99 Salisbury Steak at a Denny’s Restaurant. They took him into custody and promptly dissected him.
“The surprise in the room could have been cut with a knife,” said Dr. Sandelae. “The man’s penis was at least average size – possibly up to an inch larger. We’ve never seen this kind of spirited support for unrestricted gun ownership from anyone more than half this length.”
Bob is also of slightly above-average height and build. The researchers have no explanation, only theories, for the phenomenon.
“Did he have a particularly troubling high school football experience? Is there some other explanation for the insecurities?” pondered Dr. Sandelae.
“This kind of devotion to avoiding reality in defense of owning powerful weapons… without a small penis… it’s like gravity readings from a planet that isn’t there.”
Some of your high school classmates on Facebook contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org