The Flat Earth Times

MIAMI – Jeb Bush had to be pulled off of a 12-year-old boy yesterday, having beaten the young child beyond submission in a counter-bullying incident.

“AT-LEAST-MY-CHILDREN-LOVE-ME!” screamed the former Governor of Florida, his eyes full of rage as he delivered pounding blows onto the young boy.

Apparently the young child, Ronnie Wonnup, had a history of biking by the failed 2016 presidential candidate’s house and mocking him, calling him a “mess,” “Jeb! The big, fat mistake!” and the “worst neighbor in the history of neighborhoods, possibly ever.”

Mr. Bush, however, has recently shown signs of resurgence.

Counselors and Teachers at Kendall West Elementary School had to pull Mr. Bush off the young boy, but before they were able to pry him from his victim, Mr. Bush grabbed the boy’s limp forearms and padded them together over and over.

“CLAP! CLAP!” he screamed. “PLEASE CLAP FOR THE FATHER WHOSE CHILDREN LOVE HIM!”

Mr. Bush was not charged, but was instead sent home with his mother.

John Kasich contributed to this report.  He can be reached at [email protected]

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