OUTER SPACE – Administrator Scott Pruitt has ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to build him an entire Halo Array, with which he could escape the environmentally crumbling planet, an investigation has discovered.
The embattled Trump-appointed director of the EPA has come under severe pressure and scrutiny over the past few weeks, after reporters discovered he was living in a Washington, D.C. condo owned by a fossil fuel lobbyist for a major discount, had given enormous raises to friends within the EPA, and was using taxpayer money to fund extravagant personal gifts. Now, he is building a ring-shaped inhabitable superstructure to escape the planet his policies are destroying.
“We are a little uncomfortable with this,” said Susan Collins, a Republican Senator from Maine, of the estimated $200 trillion project. “Mr. Pruitt may be slightly overstepping his authority here.”
As he unwinds major environmental protections across the country, Mr. Pruitt is designing his halo to simulate a pristine slice of Earthly wilderness and float safely in outer space.
“This is about getting back to basics for the EPA,” Mr. Pruitt commented. “We’re maintaining a free market approach to access to a clean environment.”
Employees at the EPA were heard to be grumbling about the project when Mr. Pruitt made clear he and his family would be the only residents permitted into the halo structure. He eventually relented, providing a small section of the halo for “senior-level employees” and “environmental stakeholders.”
All guests would be under guard by a super-soldier designated as “Master Chevron.”
“We are concerned about environmental safety,” said Mr. Pruitt. “And we’re keeping hard-working American entrepreneurs out of the reach of onerous regulations and ethics laws that would arrest… economic development.”
Jason Jones contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org