Author: Flat Earth Times News Desk
Baby-Boomer Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigil for Joe Biden’s Reputation
SCRANTON – Democratic voters roughly ranging in age from 56 to 73 gathered outside Lackawanna Courthouse Thursday night for a vigil in honor of former Vice President Joe Biden’s personal […]
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John McCain’s Zombie Should Have Thanked Trump for a Funeral
Deceased Arizona Senator John McCain was brought back into the national conversation today by President Trump. The President disparaged the Vietnam War Veteran and 2008 Republican Presidential nominee in comments […]
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Democrats Buy Pelosi Platinum Gavel After Close Special Election Loss
SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Ohio, the Democratic Party has spent their entire second quarter fundraising haul on a platinum gavel for Minority […]
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GOP to change name to GOb to Attract Young Voters
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican Party of the United States has announced a name change aimed at winning over young voters, from the GOP to the GOb. The switch comes […]
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Freed Americans See President Trump, Ask to Return to North Korea
JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md. – Three Americans were freed from North Korean imprisonment yesterday, but after being greeted by President Trump, the horrified men asked to be allowed back into […]
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Sixth Constituent Thanks Congressional Rep for Bipartisanship Award
NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Lugar […]
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World Confused as Korean War Ends
Confusion spread across the globe this past weekend as warming relations engulfed North and South Korea, bringing about an end to the Korean War. “What’s happening?!” shrieked Donna Dominica, a […]
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Democrats Buy Pelosi Diamond Gavel After Close Special Election Loss
SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy […]
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Trump Offers Barron, Eric to Kim Jong-un in Ongoing Negotiations
WASHINGTON – President Trump has offered his son Barron to Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in the latest round of negotiations with the reclusive state over its nuclear arsenal. […]
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Scott Pruitt Builds Taxpayer-funded Personal Halo to Escape Runaway Climate Change
OUTER SPACE – Administrator Scott Pruitt has ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to build him an entire Halo Array, with which he could escape the environmentally crumbling planet, an investigation […]
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