Kim Jong-un Criticized for Failing to Bring Up Human Rights with Trump

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un is facing withering criticism for his failure to bring up the appalling human rights record of US President Donald Trump, during their meeting in Singapore last week. The North Korean Dictator met with President Trump on June 12th amid much pomp and hype. The two were to discuss de-nuclearization of the […]

Kim Jong-un Seen Holding Boombox Outside White House

WASHINGTON – Kim Jong-un, Grand Marshall of the People’s Liberation Army, Supreme Leader of the Worker’s Party, and divine ruler of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was seen Sunday holding a boom box outside the White House, residence of US President Donald Trump. “All my instincts, they return…” The reclusive dictator was seen blasting […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Trump Pulls Out of Louisiana Purchase

NEW ORLEANS – President Trump today announced that he would withdraw the United States from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase with France. The deal, signed during the Jefferson Administration, gave Napoleonic France $15 million for part or all of what now comprise 14 states, from Louisiana up through the Great Plains into Montana. “What were our […]

America to Boycott 2018 World Cup in Russia

MOSCOW – The greatest tournament in soccer is set to begin in just one months’ time, and the United States will not be attending. The Americans announced they will be boycotting the 2018 World Cup this year, in protest against Russia’s meddling in the 2016 US presidential election. As US Coach Dave Sarachan made clear, […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

MUELLER MADNESS! Stormy Daniels Continues Cinderella Run

Stormy Daniels on Cinderella Run to End Trump Dynasty Stormy Daniels has continued her unprecedented march toward ending the presidency of Donald J. Trump, as the 14th seed rides toward the Elite Eight of Mueller Madness. “You could say she’s storming toward history,” commented an ESPN article writer, chuckling to himself and high-fiving his contractually-obligated-to-reciprocate […]

Guy Who Slaved His Entire Life Complains About Cool Guy Partying With Hookers, Hated by Entire Nation

WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did his homework, graduating from the University of Chicago Law School when he was twenty-four years old. Immediately thereafter, he entered public service, working for the […]

Paul Ryan Retiring to Spend More Time With His Chilling Shame

MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame. “In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio Enjoy Organized Playdate

MIAMI – Former Florida governor Jeb Bush and current Florida Senator Marco Rubio enjoyed a festive Easter playdate yesterday. Organized by the men’s respective mothers, the two failed 2016 presidential candidates found they had quite a lot in common. “It’s just so nice to see my Jeb enjoying some time with his new friend,” said […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

NRA Pledges to Move to 100% Recycled Ideas by 2020

FAIRFAX – The NRA announced on Monday that they will be moving forward with plans to use 100% recycled ideas by 2020. The unprecedented step comes two days after the pro-gun-reform March For Our Lives drew millions of protestors nationwide. The NRA is streamlining their positions so supporters “can use the same arguments over and over […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Our 2018 Bracket is Ready!

It’s happening! Send us your bracket at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com Like us! Follow us on Instagram and Twitter!