Category: Distractions

Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

Posted on: November 2, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Distractions, Nation
Tags: Bristol, Fox News, Jacqui Manning, Ohio, Sam Schnatter

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of […]

Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

Posted on: October 30, 2017 by DenzelWashington
Categories: "News", Distractions, Nation
Tags: Bipartisan Report, CBS, Comedy Central, Late Show, President, Quartz, Salon, Stephen Colbert, the Daily Show, Trevor Noah, Tumblr, Vice, Vox

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Posted on: October 3, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Adventures, College, Distractions, Messages, Nation, Opinion, Propaganda, Sphere, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Fake News, News all across the Earth, The Flat Earth Times, The Thirsty Turtle Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]

FRANK MAYO: Stuck in China

Posted on: May 2, 2013 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: American Psycho, Baiju, Beijing, BuzzFeed, Cherokee Hair Tampons, China, Chinese, Chou Doufu, English, Frank Mayo, Prozac, Rebecca Martinson, VPN

Yeah, I’m stuck in China. Some of you may wonder where the hell I have been for the past year or so, most of you don’t give a shit. Needless […]

The O’Doul’s Diary: Diluted Debauchery

Posted on: November 13, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Amber Heard, Bruce Robinson, Chenault, Drugs, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Frank Mayo, Hunter S. Thompson, Johnny Depp, Paul Kemp, Puerto Rico, Sanderson, The Rum Diaries

Have you ever listened to someone describe a night of heavy drinking to you? The story usually starts off sensibly: your friend describes his day, the time, the occasion, and […]

Rise of the Planet of the Cinematically Challenged: How the fuck did this pull in $167 Million?

Posted on: September 17, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: ALZ112, Alzheimer's, Brian Cox, Caesar, Charla Nash, Charles Rodman, Draco Malfoy, Frank Mayo, Freida Pinto, James Franco, John Lithgow, Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Rupert Wyatt, Saab, Twentieth Century Fox, Will Rodman

So I was driving the other day when I was caught behind a rusty Saab with spinning rims.  Despite how hilariously disgusting it was, I wasn’t laughing at this Saab, […]

Burnt Out Lantern: Another Pathetic Attempt at Revamping Comic Book Superheroes

Posted on: July 27, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Burnt Out Lantern, Green Lantern, Peter Sarsgaard, Ron Jeremy, Ryan Reynolds

Yes, I understand that Warner Brother’s Green Lantern was released over a month ago. Yes, I understand that the movie has been established as grade A Hollywood dog shit. However, […]

Introducing Frank Mayo

Posted on: July 26, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Frank Mayo, Friedberg and Seltzer, Misery, Syrit

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo. When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes […]