Elizabeth Warren Drops out of Presidential Race to Pursue her Passion of Mike Bloomberg

BLOOMBERG RESIDENCE – Elizabeth Warren has dropped out of the presidential race, saying that she would be spending the remainder of the race following billionaire and fellow former candidate Michael R. Bloomberg down alleyways, through forests, and from a measured, sustained distance within crowds. “I’m going to sink into my passions” she said, chewing on […]

Biden Volunteers Threaten to Reduce Canvassing From 0.6x to 0.4x/month if Sanders is Nominee

MASON CITY, IOWA – Volunteers for Joe Biden, gathered at a campaign event in a supporter’s living room Sunday night, angrily chastised the left wing of their party and made vague threats if Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren ultimately wins the Democratic Nomination. “If Warren is the nominee, I will seriously consider thinking about not […]

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Baby-Boomer Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigil for Joe Biden’s Reputation

SCRANTON – Democratic voters roughly ranging in age from 56 to 73 gathered outside Lackawanna Courthouse Thursday night for a vigil in honor of former Vice President Joe Biden’s personal reputation and integrity. “DAMN PROGRESSIVE MILLENNIALS!” ranted Harry Gitmore, 67, a belt sander.  “Whado they care about that stupid Green New Deal and pound-sign-Me-Too stuff […]

President Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn to Distract from Midterms

WASHINGTON – As questions deepen about the role President Trump has played in inciting increasing right-wing extremist violence, Mr. Trump on Tuesday morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House. During a press conference, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders was asked numerous times about the president’s responsibility for […]

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Local Man Can’t Decide Between 0.2% More Economic Growth, Basic Decency

HOUSTON – Elections are approaching, and Texans are making up their mind. Dave Fresno, an antique shop owner in Piney Point Village, considered his vote at the Avalon Diner. “I have to say, I’m torn on Trump,” said Mr. Fresno. He did not vote for Mr. Trump in 2016, but said he’s very pleased with […]

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Democrats Buy Pelosi Platinum Gavel After Close Special Election Loss

SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Ohio, the Democratic Party has spent their entire second quarter fundraising haul on a platinum gavel for Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D, CA-12).  They previously purchased her a diamond gavel after a narrow special election loss in Arizona. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed […]

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GOP to change name to GOb to Attract Young Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican Party of the United States has announced a name change aimed at winning over young voters, from the GOP to the GOb. The switch comes as young voters prove to be increasingly disaffected with the nation’s two dominant political parties. “We needed a change,” said RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel. The […]

Kim Jong-un Criticized for Failing to Bring Up Human Rights with Trump

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un is facing withering criticism for his failure to bring up the appalling human rights record of US President Donald Trump, during their meeting in Singapore last week. The North Korean Dictator met with President Trump on June 12th amid much pomp and hype. The two were to discuss de-nuclearization of the […]

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Trump Pulls Out of Louisiana Purchase

NEW ORLEANS – President Trump today announced that he would withdraw the United States from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase with France. The deal, signed during the Jefferson Administration, gave Napoleonic France $15 million for part or all of what now comprise 14 states, from Louisiana up through the Great Plains into Montana. “What were our […]

Sixth Constituent Thanks Congressional Rep for Bipartisanship Award

NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Lugar Center, headed by former U.S. Senator Richard Lugar. Karen Phillipeli, a nurse in Harrington Park, New Jersey, thanked Rep. Gottheimer on Facebook for his bipartisanship […]