Property of the Flat Earth Times

Democrats Buy Pelosi Platinum Gavel After Close Special Election Loss

SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Ohio, the Democratic Party has spent their entire second quarter fundraising haul on a platinum gavel for Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D, CA-12).  They previously purchased her a diamond gavel after a narrow special election loss in Arizona. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

GOP to change name to GOb to Attract Young Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican Party of the United States has announced a name change aimed at winning over young voters, from the GOP to the GOb. The switch comes as young voters prove to be increasingly disaffected with the nation’s two dominant political parties. “We needed a change,” said RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel. The […]

Kim Jong-un Criticized for Failing to Bring Up Human Rights with Trump

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un is facing withering criticism for his failure to bring up the appalling human rights record of US President Donald Trump, during their meeting in Singapore last week. The North Korean Dictator met with President Trump on June 12th amid much pomp and hype. The two were to discuss de-nuclearization of the […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Trump Pulls Out of Louisiana Purchase

NEW ORLEANS – President Trump today announced that he would withdraw the United States from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase with France. The deal, signed during the Jefferson Administration, gave Napoleonic France $15 million for part or all of what now comprise 14 states, from Louisiana up through the Great Plains into Montana. “What were our […]

Sixth Constituent Thanks Congressional Rep for Bipartisanship Award

NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Lugar Center, headed by former U.S. Senator Richard Lugar. Karen Phillipeli, a nurse in Harrington Park, New Jersey, thanked Rep. Gottheimer on Facebook for his bipartisanship […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Democrats Buy Pelosi Diamond Gavel After Close Special Election Loss

SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy Pelosi. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez. Now happily anticipating taking control of the House of Representatives in November of […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

MUELLER MADNESS! Stormy Daniels Continues Cinderella Run

Stormy Daniels on Cinderella Run to End Trump Dynasty Stormy Daniels has continued her unprecedented march toward ending the presidency of Donald J. Trump, as the 14th seed rides toward the Elite Eight of Mueller Madness. “You could say she’s storming toward history,” commented an ESPN article writer, chuckling to himself and high-fiving his contractually-obligated-to-reciprocate […]

Guy Who Slaved His Entire Life Complains About Cool Guy Partying With Hookers, Hated by Entire Nation

WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did his homework, graduating from the University of Chicago Law School when he was twenty-four years old. Immediately thereafter, he entered public service, working for the […]

Paul Ryan Retiring to Spend More Time With His Chilling Shame

MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame. “In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Scott Pruitt Builds Taxpayer-funded Personal Halo to Escape Runaway Climate Change

OUTER SPACE – Administrator Scott Pruitt has ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to build him an entire Halo Array, with which he could escape the environmentally crumbling planet, an investigation has discovered. The embattled Trump-appointed director of the EPA has come under severe pressure and scrutiny over the past few weeks, after reporters discovered he […]