Paul Ryan Retiring to Spend More Time With His Chilling Shame

MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame. “In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to […]

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Scott Pruitt Builds Taxpayer-funded Personal Halo to Escape Runaway Climate Change

OUTER SPACE – Administrator Scott Pruitt has ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to build him an entire Halo Array, with which he could escape the environmentally crumbling planet, an investigation has discovered. The embattled Trump-appointed director of the EPA has come under severe pressure and scrutiny over the past few weeks, after reporters discovered he […]

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As Trade War Ravages Wall Street, Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn

WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to avoid or win a trade war he began with China, this morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House. During a live phone interview with CNN’s Blake Topper, President Trump’s economic advisor Peter Navarro was asked about the numerous […]

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NRA Pledges to Move to 100% Recycled Ideas by 2020

FAIRFAX – The NRA announced on Monday that they will be moving forward with plans to use 100% recycled ideas by 2020. The unprecedented step comes two days after the pro-gun-reform March For Our Lives drew millions of protestors nationwide. The NRA is streamlining their positions so supporters “can use the same arguments over and over […]

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Suburban Liberal Completes 2018 Activism By Putting Sign on Her Lawn

MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY – In this affluent suburb of New York City, Karen Philipelli is ready for the 2018 midterms. “This isn’t my first rodeo,” smirked Mrs. Philipeli, looking at her new “HATE HAS NO HOME HERE” sign, then glancing at the ‘Hillary/Kaine ‘16’ sticker in the glass pane of her large oak door. “Donald […]

Trump Supporter Gives Up Over Stormy Daniels Affair

NASHVILLE – “This is disgraceful!” said Fred Nelneck, a former coal miner and a Trump supporter until that very moment. He was watching cable news coverage of adult film actress Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against President Trump. Ms. Daniels alleges she was paid $130,000 in hush money during the 2016 presidential election to keep quiet a […]

Local Man Burns Down Home To Spite Liberal Oscars

CINCINNATTI – “I’m TIRED of them telling me not to vote against my own interests!” stammered Jerry Lee Pickett, a welder from Springdale, Ohio.  He was referring to the Emmys, Grammys, and now the 90th Academy Awards show, which he’d chosen to watch between reruns of Duck Dynasty. “They just don’t understand average joes like […]

Jared Kushner to Dine at Kiddie Table with Barron

WASHINGTON – Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor to the president, has been relegated to eating his meals at the White House kiddie table. He now dines with Barron, President Trump’s youngest son. Following the downgrading of his White House security clearance, Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law, was widely criticized for being privy to highly sensitive national […]

George Soros Sent Actors Back in Time to Grow Up With Parkland Shooting Victims and Be Sad on TV

NINETEEN-NINETY-NINE – George Soros, the Hungarian-American hedge-fund billionaire and liberal philanthropist, has been caught sending paid actors to go back in time and endure horrific mass shootings in order to be genuinely emotional on television, to push a pro-gun control agenda. “It was devious!” said former Republican Congressman and CNN contributor Jack Kingston. “All it […]