Category: Nation

Issues affecting the American plain on our flat Earth.

Local Man Burns Down Home To Spite Liberal Oscars

Posted on: March 5, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: 90th Academy Awards, Anabella Sciorra, Andra Day, Ashley Judd, Burns Down House, Common, Emmys, Grammys, Jerry Lee Pickett, Jimmy Kimmel, Mike Pence, Oscars, Salma Hayek, Stand Up For Something

CINCINNATTI – “I’m TIRED of them telling me not to vote against my own interests!” stammered Jerry Lee Pickett, a welder from Springdale, Ohio.  He was referring to the Emmys, […]

Jared Kushner to Dine at Kiddie Table with Barron

Posted on: March 1, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Barron, Call of Duty, Jared Kushner, John Kelly, Middle East Peace, President Trump, Sean Spicer

WASHINGTON – Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor to the president, has been relegated to eating his meals at the White House kiddie table. He now dines with Barron, President Trump’s youngest […]

George Soros Sent Actors Back in Time to Grow Up With Parkland Shooting Victims and Be Sad on TV

Posted on: February 26, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Science
Tags: Doc Brown, FBI, Florida, George Soros, gun control, Guns, Jack Kingston, Parkland, Stoneman Douglas High School, Time Machine, watchdog

NINETEEN-NINETY-NINE – George Soros, the Hungarian-American hedge-fund billionaire and liberal philanthropist, has been caught sending paid actors to go back in time and endure horrific mass shootings in order to […]

Scientists Discover Gun Control Opponent With Large Penis

Posted on: February 22, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Science
Tags: anthropologists, bob, Colbern Pulhok, Columbine, Darryl Nincovicz, Democrats, Dr. Parker Sandelae, Fluoride, Guns, Mandelay Bay, Parkland High School, penis-envy, salisbury steak, Sioux Falls, Virginia Tech

SIOUX FALLS – A team of anthropologists working around the clock have discovered a man who opposes any form of gun control, yet also seems to be well-endowed. They are […]

Democrats Disguising Guns as Undocumented Immigrants

Posted on: February 20, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: California, Democrats, Firearms, Guns, illegals!, Kamala Harris, Republicans, Skittles, Undocumented Immigrants

LOS ANGELES – Democrats in California spent most of Monday disguising various firearms as undocumented immigrants. Hopeful of getting Republicans to finally approve some forms of reasonable gun control measures […]

Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

Posted on: February 8, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Jebwatch, Nation
Tags: Affordable Care Act, Barbara Bush, Energy bars, Jeb Bush, Jebwatch, Miami, Monster Energy

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago. […]

Philadelphians Suddenly Not Terrible People Anymore

Posted on: February 6, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Sports
Tags: Betty Vaunto, City of Brotherly Love, Constitutional Convention, Eagles, Fly Eagles Fly, Gordon Paselti, Harmon Thomas, Joe Frazier, New England Patriots, Philadelphia

PHILADELPHIA – After decades of frightening reports, violent tailgates, and rambunctious viral videos, Philadelphia’s iconic and obnoxious sports fans suddenly and unexpectedly became kind, gracious, professional, intellectual ladies and gentlemen […]

Local Woman Impressed with President Trump for not Defecating Pants During SOTU

Posted on: January 31, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Cornelius, Fucking Karen, Mourmont, North Carolina, Orrin Hatch, Poop his pants, President Donald J Trump, SOTU, State of the Union

RALEIGH – A local suburban mother of three was very impressed with President Trump’s State of the Union Address last night, highlighting his successful effort to hold his bowels as […]

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

Posted on: January 29, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: Chris Christie, Democratic National Committee, DNC, Jef Sessions, Joe Schmo, Marijuana, November 2018 midterm elections, Phil Murphy, pot, President Trump, Prohibition, Tom Perez, weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition. New Jersey’s newly […]

New York Liberals Threaten to Vote Joe Manchin Out in West Virginia Primary

Posted on: January 24, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama, Brooklyn, DACA, Doug Jones, Government Shutdown, Heidi Heitkamp, Indiana, Jessica Ringwatt, Joe Donnelly, Joe Manchin, Michelle Obama, Moving Creedence, New York, North Dakota, San Francisco, The People for Bernie Sanders, West Virginia

NEW YORK OR CHARLESTOWN: New York Democrats are targeting West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin and pledging not to vote for him in their Democratic primary on June 26th, 2018. Mr. […]