Category: “News”

The Times of the Flat Earth we live on.

Suburban Liberal Completes 2018 Activism By Putting Sign on Her Lawn

Posted on: March 10, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #Resist, Conor Lamb, donations, facebook post, hashtivism, Hate Has No Home Here, Karen, Liberal Yard Sign, Montclair, Philipelli, Trump, Women's March

MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY – In this affluent suburb of New York City, Karen Philipelli is ready for the 2018 midterms. “This isn’t my first rodeo,” smirked Mrs. Philipeli, looking at […]

Trump Supporter Gives Up Over Stormy Daniels Affair

Posted on: March 8, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Fred Nelneck, James Comey, last straw, MAGA, Nazis, Stormy Daniels, Trump

NASHVILLE – “This is disgraceful!” said Fred Nelneck, a former coal miner and a Trump supporter until that very moment. He was watching cable news coverage of adult film actress […]

Local Man Burns Down Home To Spite Liberal Oscars

Posted on: March 5, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: 90th Academy Awards, Anabella Sciorra, Andra Day, Ashley Judd, Burns Down House, Common, Emmys, Grammys, Jerry Lee Pickett, Jimmy Kimmel, Mike Pence, Oscars, Salma Hayek, Stand Up For Something

CINCINNATTI – “I’m TIRED of them telling me not to vote against my own interests!” stammered Jerry Lee Pickett, a welder from Springdale, Ohio.  He was referring to the Emmys, […]

Jared Kushner to Dine at Kiddie Table with Barron

Posted on: March 1, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Barron, Call of Duty, Jared Kushner, John Kelly, Middle East Peace, President Trump, Sean Spicer

WASHINGTON – Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor to the president, has been relegated to eating his meals at the White House kiddie table. He now dines with Barron, President Trump’s youngest […]

George Soros Sent Actors Back in Time to Grow Up With Parkland Shooting Victims and Be Sad on TV

Posted on: February 26, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Science
Tags: Doc Brown, FBI, Florida, George Soros, gun control, Guns, Jack Kingston, Parkland, Stoneman Douglas High School, Time Machine, watchdog

NINETEEN-NINETY-NINE – George Soros, the Hungarian-American hedge-fund billionaire and liberal philanthropist, has been caught sending paid actors to go back in time and endure horrific mass shootings in order to […]

Scientists Discover Gun Control Opponent With Large Penis

Posted on: February 22, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Science
Tags: anthropologists, bob, Colbern Pulhok, Columbine, Darryl Nincovicz, Democrats, Dr. Parker Sandelae, Fluoride, Guns, Mandelay Bay, Parkland High School, penis-envy, salisbury steak, Sioux Falls, Virginia Tech

SIOUX FALLS – A team of anthropologists working around the clock have discovered a man who opposes any form of gun control, yet also seems to be well-endowed. They are […]

Democrats Disguising Guns as Undocumented Immigrants

Posted on: February 20, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: California, Democrats, Firearms, Guns, illegals!, Kamala Harris, Republicans, Skittles, Undocumented Immigrants

LOS ANGELES – Democrats in California spent most of Monday disguising various firearms as undocumented immigrants. Hopeful of getting Republicans to finally approve some forms of reasonable gun control measures […]

Swiss Start Slow Clap as Team Korea Blown Out Yet Again

Posted on: February 15, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Adventures, Sports, World
Tags: Ana Muller, Cool Runnings, Icy Sprints, Japan, Mike Pence, North Korea, PyeongChang2018, Sojung Shin, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Team Korea

♪ “Taste the kimchi, taste the rice! Team Korea, here unites!” ♪ PYEONGCHANG – The united women’s hockey team of North and South Korea was treated to a deeply-sought slow-clap at the […]

Switzerland Ruins Korean Peace Effort

Posted on: February 11, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Sports, World
Tags: 2018 Winter Olympics, Alina Muller, Coach Sarah Murray, Cool Runnings, Grand Marshal Kim Jong-un, Jogn Su-hyon, John Candy, North Korea, PyeongChang, Sojung Chin, South Korea, Swiss national hockey team, Switzerland, Team Korea

♪ Some people, you know they can’t believe! ♬ Korea has a unified ho-ckey team! ♪ PYEONGCHANG – Team Korea’s team could be heard singing this tune as they marched […]

Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

Posted on: February 8, 2018 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Jebwatch, Nation
Tags: Affordable Care Act, Barbara Bush, Energy bars, Jeb Bush, Jebwatch, Miami, Monster Energy

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago. […]