Category: “News”

The Times of the Flat Earth we live on.

Man Swears “No More Drugs in 2018” After One More Line of Cocaine

Posted on: January 2, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", College
Tags: 2018, Cocaine, Drugs, Monteberry Club, sobriety, St. Louis

ST LOUIS: A local man at a New Years Party swore off drugs for 2018, declaring it his New Year’s resolution as an effort to focus on his health. He […]

Orrin Hatch Sick of Kids Skateboarding on His Sidewalk

Posted on: December 28, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News"
Tags: child labor, Oliver Twist, sidewalk, Skateboardin', Skateboarding, tax cuts, Utah

WASHINGTON – Utah Senator Orrin Hatch expressed dismay today of kids skateboarding on the sidewalk outside his apartment in Washington D.C. “Darn kids always skateboardin’ on the sidewalk!” he stammered […]

Republican Leaders Elated To Receive Coal From Santa

Posted on: December 25, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Christmas, Coal, North Pole, President Trump, Republicans, Santa Claus, Violent Revolution, West Virginia, Xi Jingping

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? […]

Future Taxpayers Send #MeToo Messages Back in Time

Posted on: December 21, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: #MeToo, Bernese Sanders Mountain Raiders, Bitcoin, Empasynthesizing, Facebook, Future taxpayers, Republicans, Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, Time Rapists

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, […]

Report: Russians Making Fake People

Posted on: December 18, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", World
Tags: CNN, cybernetic organisms, Jake Tapper, Russia, Russian government, Ted Crockett

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics. The Russian […]

Mississippi and Arkansas Vie For Open “Worst State in the Union” Title

Posted on: December 14, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Analysis, College, Sports
Tags: Alabama, Arkansas, Barbecue Butter, Chris McDaniel, Doug Jones, Mississippi, Phil Bryant, Roy S. Moore, Walmart Scooter, Worst State

LITTLE ROCK – After a shocking election upset that sent number one seed Alabama home and packing, the people of both Mississippi and Arkansas have found renewed hope for a […]

Washington D.C. Teenagers Ecstatic They Can Still Hang Out At The Mall

Posted on: December 13, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: Alabama, Doug Jones, Gadsen, pedophile, Roy Moore, Teenagers, the mall, Washington D.C.

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. […]

Magical Curse Forbids Republican Politicians From Endorsing Democrats

Posted on: December 12, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #ReaganCurse, Bhutan, Condoleezza Rice, Democrats, Doug Jones, Jigme Singye Wangchuck, Magic Curse, Neil Gordon, Ouija, Racist Rapists, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Roy Moore, University of Alabama

BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections. “This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive […]

Doug Jones Campaign Brimming with Confidence After Eighth White Voter Pledges Support

Posted on: December 11, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama Special Senate Election, Birmingham, Doug Jones, Roy Moore

BIRMINGHAM – The Senate Campaign of Democrat Doug Jones received a much-needed boost in Alabama today as Jim, an insurance agent in Birmingham, became the eighth white voter in the […]

Roger Stone Furiously 3D-Printing Sexual Assault Victims For Democrats

Posted on: December 11, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #MeToo, Gina, Leanne Tweeden, Miami, Roger Stone, Sexual Assault, T12000

MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians. “This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the […]