Category: “News”

The Times of the Flat Earth we live on.

NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces

Posted on: October 9, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Sports
Tags: Colin Kaepernick, Kneel, Montreal Canadiens, New York Rangers, PK Soubhan, US National Anthem

NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces. Hockey players for […]

US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

Posted on: October 5, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Foreign Ministry, Fucking Moron, Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un, North Korea, President, Rex Tillerson, Ri Yong-Ho, Secretary of State, Stephanie Ruhle, UN General Assembly

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Posted on: October 3, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Adventures, College, Distractions, Messages, Nation, Opinion, Propaganda, Sphere, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Fake News, News all across the Earth, The Flat Earth Times, The Thirsty Turtle Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]

Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin

Posted on: August 17, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Alt-right, Anna Müller, Berlin, Confederate Pride, Fake News, Hitler Statue, National Socialist, Nazi, Nazi Germany, Robert E Lee, Sean Hannity, Southern Heritage, Statue removal, Tiergarten

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin. “It’s our German […]

British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

Posted on: June 9, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", World
Tags: British 2017 snap election, Failed Suicide, Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May, UK, United Kingdom

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again. ICM’s Chief […]

Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name

Posted on: May 27, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News"
Tags: Betsy Adams, Black Lives Matter, Duško Marković, Howard University, Latin, Montenegro, NATO, President, Prime Minister, Washington D.C.

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with […]

Trump Supporters Sick of Being Insulted By Meanie Liberal Snowflakes

Posted on: May 26, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Brian DeSantis, Cliff Moyer, Fox News Sunday, Newt Gingrich, President Trump, Putin, Snowflakes

WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president. […]

“Red Pill” Curator Robert Fisher Hailed For Republican Authenticity

Posted on: May 22, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News"
Tags: authenticity, Brookline, Concord, GOP, New Hampshire, Pam Durst, Rape Fantasies, Red Pill, Reddit, Republican Party, Republicans, Reverend Milton Sheffield, Robert Fisher, The Daily Beast

CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has […]

President Trump Farts On Live TV To Distract Press From Deepening Scandals

Posted on: May 17, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News"
Tags: Bernard Donovan, fart, James Comey, Peter Griffin, President Trump, Russia, Russiagate, University of San Diego

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night. Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, […]

Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Posted on: May 8, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", College, World
Tags: BuzzFeed, Israel, Jessica Ringwatt, Jordanian Propaganda, Know-it-all, Palestine, Protests, SJW, Social Justice Tips

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and […]