Category: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives

Posts under the original Thirsty Turtle Times, usually pertaining strictly to the University of Maryland

Elizabeth Warren Drops out of Presidential Race to Pursue her Passion of Mike Bloomberg

Posted on: March 9, 2020 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Bailey Warren, Elizabeth Warren, Michael Bloomberg, Pursuit of Passion

BLOOMBERG RESIDENCE – Elizabeth Warren has dropped out of the presidential race, saying that she would be spending the remainder of the race following billionaire and fellow former candidate Michael […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Posted on: October 3, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Adventures, College, Distractions, Messages, Nation, Opinion, Propaganda, Sphere, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Fake News, News all across the Earth, The Flat Earth Times, The Thirsty Turtle Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]

Rebecca Martinson for SGA President at UMD

Posted on: April 23, 2013 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Opinion, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: #CuntPunt2013, Annapolis, Cunt, Cunt Punt, CuntPunt, Delta Gamma, Maryland, Maryland DG, Noah Robinson, Punt, Rape Culture, Rebecca Martinson, Sam Zwerling, Samantha, SGA, SGA President, University of Maryland, Wallace D. Loh

Editor’s note: start here. If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement […]

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

Posted on: April 10, 2013 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: ABC News, Atlantic Coast Conference, Baylor University, Big Ten, Chrysler Building, CIA, Corn, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, FBI, fynanseers, harvest, Hawkeyes, Hurricane Sandy Relief Shelter, Iowa, Islamo-facism, Madison Square Garden, MSG, National Invitation Tournament, New York City, NIT, NYC Criminal Court, shucking, University of Iowa, University of Maryland, Whitman Studley

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the […]

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to UMD President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Posted on: February 26, 2013 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Opinion, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Alex Rane, aux armes, Biopsych, College Park, Dayvon Maurice Green, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, Duke riots, Governor Martin O'Malley, gun control, Gun violence, Hyattsville, Marcus Plummer, Maryland, mental health, National Rifle Association, NRA, propaganda, psychology, R.J. Bentley's, Thirsty Turtle Bar, Thomas Jefferson, Tree of Liberty, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh, Waynes LaPierre

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the […]

DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

Posted on: November 6, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Nation, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: 2012, 2016, Al Sharpton, Ann Coulter, Barack Obama, Boston, Chicago, Chris Christie, Colorado, Election 2012, Florida, Fox News, Grant Park, Greg Gutfeld, James Carville, Karl Rove, Martin O'Malley, Mitt Romney, Moving to Canada, MSNBC, Ohio, Presidential Election, Twitter, Van Jones, Washington

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!! NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the […]

China Disowns UMD President Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

Posted on: June 13, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Beijing, China, Kim Jong-un, Martin Monitz, Martin O'Malley, People's Republic of China, Republic of China, Taipei, Taiwan, The Diamondback, UMD, Wallace Loh, Yang Jiechi

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan […]

University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

Posted on: March 8, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Arab Spring, Assad, Bashar al-Assad, Damascus, Education Abroad, Free Syrian Army, Maryland-in-Damascus, Michael Ulrich, Syria, Wallace Loh

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students […]

UMD President Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Posted on: March 1, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: $7.2 Million Mansion, Brioche, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, French, Let them eat Cake, Marie Antoinette, Olivier Rabourdin, Presidential Mansion, RL, Taken, UMD

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion […]

UMD’s JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

Posted on: January 29, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Explosion, Fire, Help Center, JM Patterson Building, Suicide, UMFD, University of Maryland

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has been given an intervention by concerned friends and family.  Officials […]