Category: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives

Posts under the original Thirsty Turtle Times, usually pertaining strictly to the University of Maryland

Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

Posted on: December 8, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Coach, Eat Shit, Feces, Fire Edsall, Football, Maryland Football, North Campus Diner, Porky the Pig, Randy Edsall, Terps, Terrapins, University of Maryland

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they […]

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

Posted on: September 7, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Baltimore Sun, College Park, Cop Humor, David Mitchell, Fascism, Marc Limansky, Martin O'Malley, Minor, Open Fire, Police Chief, Public Safety, Shoot to Kill, The Diamondback, Town Hall Bar, UMD, UMDPD, UMPD, Underage Drinking, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh, Washington Post

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been […]

Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Posted on: September 3, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: College Park, Hurricane Irene, Jimmy John's, Matt Wampler, Sam Preer, UMD

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, Maryland, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene. The hurricane swept through College Park […]

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

Posted on: August 23, 2011 by fake wallace loh
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Consumer Protection Agency, Daycon, Dr. Wallace Loh, Drop Daycon, Environmental Protection Agency, GOP, Israel, Judicial, Lays and gesbians, Loh2012, Obamacare, POTUS, Republican Nomination, Republican Primary Debate, Republicans, Running for President, Terps, U.S. Presidential Election, University of Maryland, White House

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary. Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake […]

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Posted on: August 15, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Barack Obama, Election 2012, Glenn Beck, GOP, Honolulu Advertiser, Iowa, Obamacare, Politics, Republican, Republican Primary Debate, Shanghai, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for […]

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Posted on: August 1, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Bentleys, College Park, Hippopotamus, Local Business, R.J. Bentley's, Scott Van Pelt, UMD for Clean Energy

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been […]

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

Posted on: June 23, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: BCS, College Football, David Frohnmayer, ESPN, Kevin Anderson, Mark Emmert, NCAA, PC Police, Slave Labor, Student Athletes, Title IX

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward […]

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

Posted on: June 17, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Beijing, Dr. Loh, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, Dr. Wallace Loh, Governor O'Malley, KCNA, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Loh, Martin O'Malley, Maryland, North Korea, President Loh, President Wallace Loh, UMD, University of Maryland, Wallace D. Loh, Wallace Loh, Yonhap

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent. President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, […]

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

Posted on: June 17, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Boobpedia, College Park, fakewallaceloh, First Post, Maryland, Roosevelt, Teddy, Teddy Roosevelt, Terps, The Thirsty Turtle Times, Theodore Roosevelt, Thirsty Turtle, UM, UMCP, UMD, UMDCP, Uncyclopedia, University of Maryland, Welcome

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before. The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have […]

The TTT is experiencing growing pains…

Posted on: June 16, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives

This site sucks. More to come.