Category: World

President Trump Informed that Hawaii is Part of US

Posted on: January 15, 2018 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Ballistic Missile, Carmen Sandiego, False Alarm, Hawaii, Kenya, Missile, Obama, President Trump, shitholes

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic […]

Future Taxpayers Send #MeToo Messages Back in Time

Posted on: December 21, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: #MeToo, Bernese Sanders Mountain Raiders, Bitcoin, Empasynthesizing, Facebook, Future taxpayers, Republicans, Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, Time Rapists

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, […]

Report: Russians Making Fake People

Posted on: December 18, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", World
Tags: CNN, cybernetic organisms, Jake Tapper, Russia, Russian government, Ted Crockett

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics. The Russian […]

I.C.E. Hires Big Bad Wolf to Test Border Wall Prototypes

Posted on: November 23, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Big Bad Wolf, Border Wall, Mexican Border, Pig, President Trump

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big […]

World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

Posted on: November 9, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Afghanistan, Canada, Janne Olson, Joshua Boyle, President, Taliban

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for […]

Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

Posted on: October 19, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Cape Canaveral, Democrats, Dr. Ellen Stofa, Morgan Freeman, NASA, Neutron Star Collision, Republicans, tax cuts for the wealthy

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to […]

US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

Posted on: October 5, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Foreign Ministry, Fucking Moron, Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un, North Korea, President, Rex Tillerson, Ri Yong-Ho, Secretary of State, Stephanie Ruhle, UN General Assembly

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Posted on: October 3, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Adventures, College, Distractions, Messages, Nation, Opinion, Propaganda, Sphere, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Fake News, News all across the Earth, The Flat Earth Times, The Thirsty Turtle Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]

Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin

Posted on: August 17, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Alt-right, Anna Müller, Berlin, Confederate Pride, Fake News, Hitler Statue, National Socialist, Nazi, Nazi Germany, Robert E Lee, Sean Hannity, Southern Heritage, Statue removal, Tiergarten

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin. “It’s our German […]

British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

Posted on: June 9, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", World
Tags: British 2017 snap election, Failed Suicide, Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May, UK, United Kingdom

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again. ICM’s Chief […]