DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

Posted on: November 6, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Nation, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: 2012, 2016, Al Sharpton, Ann Coulter, Barack Obama, Boston, Chicago, Chris Christie, Colorado, Election 2012, Florida, Fox News, Grant Park, Greg Gutfeld, James Carville, Karl Rove, Martin O'Malley, Mitt Romney, Moving to Canada, MSNBC, Ohio, Presidential Election, Twitter, Van Jones, Washington

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!! NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the […]

China Disowns UMD President Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

Posted on: June 13, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Beijing, China, Kim Jong-un, Martin Monitz, Martin O'Malley, People's Republic of China, Republic of China, Taipei, Taiwan, The Diamondback, UMD, Wallace Loh, Yang Jiechi

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan […]

University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

Posted on: March 8, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Arab Spring, Assad, Bashar al-Assad, Damascus, Education Abroad, Free Syrian Army, Maryland-in-Damascus, Michael Ulrich, Syria, Wallace Loh

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students […]

UMD President Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Posted on: March 1, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: $7.2 Million Mansion, Brioche, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, French, Let them eat Cake, Marie Antoinette, Olivier Rabourdin, Presidential Mansion, RL, Taken, UMD

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion […]

UMD’s JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

Posted on: January 29, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Explosion, Fire, Help Center, JM Patterson Building, Suicide, UMFD, University of Maryland

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has been given an intervention by concerned friends and family.  Officials […]

Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

Posted on: December 8, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Coach, Eat Shit, Feces, Fire Edsall, Football, Maryland Football, North Campus Diner, Porky the Pig, Randy Edsall, Terps, Terrapins, University of Maryland

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they […]

The O’Doul’s Diary: Diluted Debauchery

Posted on: November 13, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Amber Heard, Bruce Robinson, Chenault, Drugs, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Frank Mayo, Hunter S. Thompson, Johnny Depp, Paul Kemp, Puerto Rico, Sanderson, The Rum Diaries

Have you ever listened to someone describe a night of heavy drinking to you? The story usually starts off sensibly: your friend describes his day, the time, the occasion, and […]

Rise of the Planet of the Cinematically Challenged: How the fuck did this pull in $167 Million?

Posted on: September 17, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: ALZ112, Alzheimer's, Brian Cox, Caesar, Charla Nash, Charles Rodman, Draco Malfoy, Frank Mayo, Freida Pinto, James Franco, John Lithgow, Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Rupert Wyatt, Saab, Twentieth Century Fox, Will Rodman

So I was driving the other day when I was caught behind a rusty Saab with spinning rims.  Despite how hilariously disgusting it was, I wasn’t laughing at this Saab, […]

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

Posted on: September 7, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Baltimore Sun, College Park, Cop Humor, David Mitchell, Fascism, Marc Limansky, Martin O'Malley, Minor, Open Fire, Police Chief, Public Safety, Shoot to Kill, The Diamondback, Town Hall Bar, UMD, UMDPD, UMPD, Underage Drinking, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh, Washington Post

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been […]

Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Posted on: September 3, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: College Park, Hurricane Irene, Jimmy John's, Matt Wampler, Sam Preer, UMD

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, Maryland, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene. The hurricane swept through College Park […]