FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary. Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake […]

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for […]

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been […]

Burnt Out Lantern: Another Pathetic Attempt at Revamping Comic Book Superheroes

Yes, I understand that Warner Brother’s Green Lantern was released over a month ago. Yes, I understand that the movie has been established as grade A Hollywood dog shit. However, […]

Introducing Frank Mayo

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo. When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes […]

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward […]

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent. President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, […]

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before. The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have […]

The TTT is experiencing growing pains…

This site sucks. More to come.