America to Boycott 2018 World Cup in Russia

MOSCOW – The greatest tournament in soccer is set to begin in just one months’ time, and the United States will not be attending. The Americans announced they will be boycotting the 2018 World Cup this year, in protest against Russia’s meddling in the 2016 US presidential election. As US Coach Dave Sarachan made clear, […]

Sixth Constituent Thanks Congressional Rep for Bipartisanship Award

NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Lugar Center, headed by former U.S. Senator Richard Lugar. Karen Phillipeli, a nurse in Harrington Park, New Jersey, thanked Rep. Gottheimer on Facebook for his bipartisanship […]

World Confused as Korean War Ends

Confusion spread across the globe this past weekend as warming relations engulfed North and South Korea, bringing about an end to the Korean War. “What’s happening?!” shrieked Donna Dominica, a waitress in Santa Fe, to no one in particular. North Korea and South Korea’s leaders met face to face this past weekend, shook hands, and […]

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Democrats Buy Pelosi Diamond Gavel After Close Special Election Loss

SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy Pelosi. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez. Now happily anticipating taking control of the House of Representatives in November of […]

Trump Offers Barron, Eric to Kim Jong-un in Ongoing Negotiations

WASHINGTON – President Trump has offered his son Barron to Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in the latest round of negotiations with the reclusive state over its nuclear arsenal. He also offered “half” of his second son, Eric. “This is a bold concession,” said Choeag-ui Adeul, a senior North Korea Analyst at the South […]

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MUELLER MADNESS! Stormy Daniels Continues Cinderella Run

Stormy Daniels on Cinderella Run to End Trump Dynasty Stormy Daniels has continued her unprecedented march toward ending the presidency of Donald J. Trump, as the 14th seed rides toward the Elite Eight of Mueller Madness. “You could say she’s storming toward history,” commented an ESPN article writer, chuckling to himself and high-fiving his contractually-obligated-to-reciprocate […]

Guy Who Slaved His Entire Life Complains About Cool Guy Partying With Hookers, Hated by Entire Nation

WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did his homework, graduating from the University of Chicago Law School when he was twenty-four years old. Immediately thereafter, he entered public service, working for the […]

Paul Ryan Retiring to Spend More Time With His Chilling Shame

MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame. “In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to […]

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Scott Pruitt Builds Taxpayer-funded Personal Halo to Escape Runaway Climate Change

OUTER SPACE – Administrator Scott Pruitt has ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to build him an entire Halo Array, with which he could escape the environmentally crumbling planet, an investigation has discovered. The embattled Trump-appointed director of the EPA has come under severe pressure and scrutiny over the past few weeks, after reporters discovered he […]

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As Trade War Ravages Wall Street, Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn

WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to avoid or win a trade war he began with China, this morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House. During a live phone interview with CNN’s Blake Topper, President Trump’s economic advisor Peter Navarro was asked about the numerous […]