Whoops

Posted on: November 18, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: Messages
Tags: Email Address, Fake News, The Flat Earth Times

The email address we’ve been sharing is wrong.  All of our illustrious contributors can be reached at [email protected].  Any other email is fake news. Lies and deception did not intend […]

ANALYSIS: Senate Write-In Campaign Impossible Because Alabama Can’t Read

Posted on: November 14, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: Analysis, Nation
Tags: Alabama, Alabama Special Senate Election, Alaska, Democrat, Doug Jones, Gef Seshuns, Luther Strange, Republican, Roy Moore, Write-In

Republicans are in a bind in Alabama. Republican Senatorial efforts to derail the candidacy of Roy Moore in the Alabama Special Senate election have been unsuccessful. Judge Moore, battling claims […]

Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

Posted on: November 13, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama, Basic Integrity, Fox News, GOP, Republicans, Roy Moore, Tax Cuts for Millionaires

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed. Republicans are weighing their options […]

NJ and VA Republicans Send Thoughts and Prayers to Ballot Boxes

Posted on: November 9, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #thoughtsandprayers, 2018, Ed Gillespie, GOP, Kim Guadagno, New Jersey, Republicans, Richmond, Thoughts and Prayers, Virginia, Woodbridge

RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to […]

World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

Posted on: November 9, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Afghanistan, Canada, Janne Olson, Joshua Boyle, President, Taliban

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for […]

Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

Posted on: November 6, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Sports
Tags: dioxin, Houston Astros, Hurricane Harvey, Magic, Mark Cornin, Miracle, Mr. Clean, University of Texas, World Series

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World […]

Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

Posted on: November 2, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Distractions, Nation
Tags: Bristol, Fox News, Jacqui Manning, Ohio, Sam Schnatter

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of […]

Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

Posted on: October 30, 2017 by DenzelWashington
Categories: "News", Distractions, Nation
Tags: Bipartisan Report, CBS, Comedy Central, Late Show, President, Quartz, Salon, Stephen Colbert, the Daily Show, Trevor Noah, Tumblr, Vice, Vox

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause […]

Local Gamestop Employee Tired of Gary Johnson’s Awkward Flirting

Posted on: October 26, 2017 by DenzelWashington
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: Albuquerque, Anita Parker, Bill Weld, Call of Duty Modern Warfare I, Gamestop, Gary Johnson, Libertarian

ALBUQUERQUE – Local Gamestop employee Anita Parker reported last Friday that she was growing sick and tired of former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson’s awkward flirting and cheesy pickup lines, […]

Trump Administration Condemns Post-2016 Politicizing of Dead Soldiers

Posted on: October 24, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: 2016, Benghazi, Niger, President, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, Tweet, White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly

WASHINGTON – The Trump Administration is coming down hard on Democrats and journalists whom they accuse of politicizing US soldiers killed in combat, something they insist has not been acceptable […]