Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

Posted on: October 20, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Benghazi, General John Kelly, Gold Star Families, Humayun Khan, La David Johnson, Libya, Niger, President Trump, White House Chief of Staff

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, […]

Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

Posted on: October 19, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: Cape Canaveral, Democrats, Dr. Ellen Stofa, Morgan Freeman, NASA, Neutron Star Collision, Republicans, tax cuts for the wealthy

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to […]

The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

Posted on: October 17, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Fake News, Kurt Mueller, President Trump, The Onion

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make […]

University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

Posted on: October 12, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: #Resist, Charlottesville, Democrats, Election Day, Love Conquers All, New Jersey, President, Republicans, Rethuglicans, Virginia

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of […]

NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces

Posted on: October 9, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, Sports
Tags: Colin Kaepernick, Kneel, Montreal Canadiens, New York Rangers, PK Soubhan, US National Anthem

NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces. Hockey players for […]

US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

Posted on: October 5, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Foreign Ministry, Fucking Moron, Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un, North Korea, President, Rex Tillerson, Ri Yong-Ho, Secretary of State, Stephanie Ruhle, UN General Assembly

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Posted on: October 3, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Adventures, College, Distractions, Messages, Nation, Opinion, Propaganda, Sphere, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives, World
Tags: Fake News, News all across the Earth, The Flat Earth Times, The Thirsty Turtle Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]

Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin

Posted on: August 17, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", World
Tags: Alt-right, Anna Müller, Berlin, Confederate Pride, Fake News, Hitler Statue, National Socialist, Nazi, Nazi Germany, Robert E Lee, Sean Hannity, Southern Heritage, Statue removal, Tiergarten

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin. “It’s our German […]

British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

Posted on: June 9, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", World
Tags: British 2017 snap election, Failed Suicide, Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May, UK, United Kingdom

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again. ICM’s Chief […]

Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name

Posted on: May 27, 2017 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News"
Tags: Betsy Adams, Black Lives Matter, Duško Marković, Howard University, Latin, Montenegro, NATO, President, Prime Minister, Washington D.C.

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with […]