Property of the Flat Earth Times

Jeb Bush Sad not to Receive Any Pipe Bombs in the Mail

MIAMI – Former Governor of Florida and 2016 U.S. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush peered into his mailbox today, only for his hopes to dissipate once again. He received no crudely-made pipe bomb in the mail, sent last week to various high-profile opponents of President Trump. “I wasn’t checking the mail for a bomb,” said Mr. […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio Enjoy Organized Playdate

MIAMI – Former Florida governor Jeb Bush and current Florida Senator Marco Rubio enjoyed a festive Easter playdate yesterday. Organized by the men’s respective mothers, the two failed 2016 presidential candidates found they had quite a lot in common. “It’s just so nice to see my Jeb enjoying some time with his new friend,” said […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Jeb Bush Beats Up Local Bully

MIAMI – Jeb Bush had to be pulled off of a 12-year-old boy yesterday, having beaten the young child beyond submission in a counter-bullying incident. “AT-LEAST-MY-CHILDREN-LOVE-ME!” screamed the former Governor of Florida, his eyes full of rage as he delivered pounding blows onto the young boy. Apparently the young child, Ronnie Wonnup, had a history […]

Property of the Flat Earth Times

Jeb Bush Successfully Corrects Order at Pancake House

MIAMI – Jeb Bush overcame some terrific inner demons today when he challenged a restaurant server to fix a mistaken order at a local pancake restaurant. “What? Who?” asked a server at King Kanpakes when questioned later about the incident. “Oh the Trump guy? Yeah he wasn’t into blueberries.” The incident came about when the […]

Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago. After embarrassing losses in the Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina primaries in early 2016, the son and brother of former presidents faced the daunting […]