Tag: University of Maryland

Rebecca Martinson for SGA President at UMD

Posted on: April 23, 2013 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Opinion, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: #CuntPunt2013, Annapolis, Cunt, Cunt Punt, CuntPunt, Delta Gamma, Maryland, Maryland DG, Noah Robinson, Punt, Rape Culture, Rebecca Martinson, Sam Zwerling, Samantha, SGA, SGA President, University of Maryland, Wallace D. Loh

Editor’s note: start here. If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement […]

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

Posted on: April 10, 2013 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", College, Nation, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: ABC News, Atlantic Coast Conference, Baylor University, Big Ten, Chrysler Building, CIA, Corn, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, FBI, fynanseers, harvest, Hawkeyes, Hurricane Sandy Relief Shelter, Iowa, Islamo-facism, Madison Square Garden, MSG, National Invitation Tournament, New York City, NIT, NYC Criminal Court, shucking, University of Iowa, University of Maryland, Whitman Studley

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the […]

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to UMD President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Posted on: February 26, 2013 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Opinion, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Alex Rane, aux armes, Biopsych, College Park, Dayvon Maurice Green, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, Duke riots, Governor Martin O'Malley, gun control, Gun violence, Hyattsville, Marcus Plummer, Maryland, mental health, National Rifle Association, NRA, propaganda, psychology, R.J. Bentley's, Thirsty Turtle Bar, Thomas Jefferson, Tree of Liberty, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh, Waynes LaPierre

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the […]

UMD’s JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

Posted on: January 29, 2012 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Explosion, Fire, Help Center, JM Patterson Building, Suicide, UMFD, University of Maryland

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has been given an intervention by concerned friends and family.  Officials […]

Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

Posted on: December 8, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Coach, Eat Shit, Feces, Fire Edsall, Football, Maryland Football, North Campus Diner, Porky the Pig, Randy Edsall, Terps, Terrapins, University of Maryland

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they […]

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

Posted on: September 7, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Baltimore Sun, College Park, Cop Humor, David Mitchell, Fascism, Marc Limansky, Martin O'Malley, Minor, Open Fire, Police Chief, Public Safety, Shoot to Kill, The Diamondback, Town Hall Bar, UMD, UMDPD, UMPD, Underage Drinking, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh, Washington Post

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been […]

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

Posted on: August 23, 2011 by fake wallace loh
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Consumer Protection Agency, Daycon, Dr. Wallace Loh, Drop Daycon, Environmental Protection Agency, GOP, Israel, Judicial, Lays and gesbians, Loh2012, Obamacare, POTUS, Republican Nomination, Republican Primary Debate, Republicans, Running for President, Terps, U.S. Presidential Election, University of Maryland, White House

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary. Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake […]

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Posted on: August 15, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Barack Obama, Election 2012, Glenn Beck, GOP, Honolulu Advertiser, Iowa, Obamacare, Politics, Republican, Republican Primary Debate, Shanghai, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for […]

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

Posted on: June 17, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Beijing, Dr. Loh, Dr. Wallace D. Loh, Dr. Wallace Loh, Governor O'Malley, KCNA, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Loh, Martin O'Malley, Maryland, North Korea, President Loh, President Wallace Loh, UMD, University of Maryland, Wallace D. Loh, Wallace Loh, Yonhap

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent. President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, […]

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

Posted on: June 17, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Boobpedia, College Park, fakewallaceloh, First Post, Maryland, Roosevelt, Teddy, Teddy Roosevelt, Terps, The Thirsty Turtle Times, Theodore Roosevelt, Thirsty Turtle, UM, UMCP, UMD, UMDCP, Uncyclopedia, University of Maryland, Welcome

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before. The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have […]